Philip's Notes to Staff and Parents

Children and Family Upsets: Separation and Divorce

     Some transitions in life are more difficult than others. While it is useful to hold most transitions as learning opportunities for your preschooler, sometimes we adults find ourselves in "overwhelm."

     For example, when husband and wife decide to separate or divorce there is a degree of upset that usually (not always) goes with the territory. In a time of family transition, preschoolers and early school age children take their emotional cues from their parents.

     The degree of young children's upset or behavior change in such a circumstance relates directly to the mood and tone of their parents as they go through this transitional period.

     There are several key things parents can focus on that greatly support young children.

   First, remember, one can be sad, angry or upset without dramatically acting it out.  In fact, dramatically acting out such emotions always makes matters worse and is terrible role modeling of normal human emotions. Your children know how you are, so don't hide your emotional state. Share it as gently and lovingly as you can.

     What children don't know that adults do know is, that in time you, the parent, will be okay. In your speaking with them always reassure them that "Right now I'm sad, but later, I"ll be fine."  Your children have their attention on you more than themselves, so constantly reassure them about the future, especially about yourself.

      If they are old enough to have language, reassure them that, "Dad will always be your Dad, Mom will always be your Mom", but don't let them vote on whether you will be staying together as husband and wife.  This is not up to them: be clear with them about this.

     Create a powerful network of support for your child's most important person, you!  Family, friends, professional counseling, the school, all may play a part.  Focus on energetically creating such a network and using it!

     In your speaking to your child, if you feel you cannot speak well of Mom or Dad as a parent, say nothing.  Young children cannot understand when one of their parents speaks badly of the other, it doesn't compute.

     Once again, the keys are:

1. Share, don't hide your appropriate emotional state.
2. Constantly reassure about the future and about yourself (the parent) in the future.
3. Energetically create a powerful network of support for yourself and use it!
4. Continue to speak well of the other parent, as a parent, or say nothing.