Philip's Notes to Staff and Parents

Handling "Behaviors That Don't Work" as Learning Opportunities

     It is useful to view Preschoolers' behaviors when they aren't working as wonderful learning opportunities!  There is opportunity for both the child and the parent!  The opportunity for the child is to find out what works; the opportunity for the parent is to model unconditional love and respect as a gift to the child at a time when another, less useful reaction is a strong possibility!

     An elegant, respectful interaction with a young child when behavior doesn't work is a powerful learning opportunity for the child.  Our normal tendency as parents seems to be to react forcefully, to try and control the child or the behavior and we always wonder why this doesn't work well?  Ask yourself, "How do I react when someone, even someone I love absolutely, tries to force me to do something?"  We resist or react in opposition to perceived force and children do exactly the same: This is normal behavior.

     It works best not to give the child something to resist or react to if we want to alter a behavior and create a new one.  Instead, manage your mood and tone as best you can when "golden learning opportunities" arise (our new label for "behaviors that don't work"!)

     We suggest:  Stay low toned and interact with the child in such a way that the message he or she gets is, "I am loved and respected, but something I'm doing doesn't work.  It is up to me to change it.  My behavior change is my choice, but if I continue to choose behavior that doesn't work, there will be consequences I won't love!"

     Don't let your children learn they can control your mood with their behavior!  Smile a lot; tell them they are great and give them choices about their behaviors.  Leave it up to them.  (The great learning opportunities here are independence and self-control!)  If they continue to choose behaviors that don't work, tell them what the consequences will be and then keep your word!  Never threaten, just deliver whatever appropriate consequences you have chosen.  It is not necessary for the parent to act upset or angry when handling behavior unless you really are!  Just know that a high emotional context in any communication keeps the listener from hearing  you, whether it is a child, a teenager or an adult!

     Please remember:  have very short interactions about behaviors that don't work.  Delivering the consequence may take some time (like going to bed directly after dinner, no TV) but don't dwell on the behavior.

     If children see they can get all of your attention any time they want just by doing a behavior that doesn't work, you'll be spending lots of time unintentionally reinforcing negative behaviors!

     Acknowledge and praise children for behaviors that work for as long as you like!  We think behavior that works is its' own reward, but letting children know that you, the parents, their most important persons in the world notice their excellent behavior is the absolute best reward you can give them!